She Felt She Had No Choice

I found this post on 45 Million Voices.  Women go there to tell their story about their abortion.  We can learn a lot, if we just listen to them.  This is only one of many stories, of women who felt they had no choice. “Pro-choice” should do better, and actually offer young women a choice.

***I’ve posted this in it’s entirety because there is no individual link to each story on their website, and I don’t want to lose any part of this one due to new stories being added.  The author of the post was not identified.

Bruce and I weren't talking to each other anymore. He told me he never wanted to see me again and I was really hurt, because I still had feelings for him. One morning I decided to take a pregnancy test, I was feeling nauseous for the last couple mornings and couldn't remember when I got my last period. I just thought, "It's just being irregular, I'm gonna end up wasting this pregnancy test." I took the test and watched as a "+" formed. I thought, "That's weird. I never saw that before." Then I thought, wait, am I pregnant? I didn't want to believe it and thought the test was broken. I even went on the internet and searched what that particular pregnancy test brand looked like when it was positive. Yup, I was pregnant. I immediately sent Bruce a text telling him I had something important to tell him. He didn't answer. I decided not to get too worked up over it because I had to get ready for class.

Later that day I got to school and sent Bruce several text messages and called him countless times. He would not answer. I knew he never wanted to talk to me again. I was frustrated so during class I just sent him a text saying, "I'm pregnant. Thought you'd wanna know that now, not the day I give birth." He replied, "No you're not, and even if you were, you'll just get an abortion." I was pissed that he said that and replied to him that it was my body and I'll make whatever decision I want. We texted back and forth and his text messages were getting nastier. He said things like, "I already have a daughter. Nobody is going to replace her....Go ahead and keep that kid, he'll never have a father, I'll never be in his life....See you in 9 months...." I started crying right there in the middle of the class. How could someone I trusted and liked be so hurtful like that?

The next couple days were awful. I went to Planned Parenthood and the counselor said I should tell my parents. I told her that wasn't an option, not unless I was sure I would keep it. Can you imagine? I don't think my parents even knew I kissed a boy. Yeah I was 19 years old, but they didn't know I hung out with guys and was sexually active. My parents would flip out on me! We were a traditional Hispanic family. No sex until marriage!!! That would mean that I would have to get an abortion. I had no other choice. I wasn't thrilled with the idea, but it was the only way my parents would never find out. I told Bruce I thought I knew what to do. The abortion would cost $400 and we would each pay $200. Now he started being nice to me and started caring about my feelings. He agreed with the abortion, he said "You know what, this experience will bring us together. Our relationship will be stronger because we'll be going through it together, and I want you to know that I'm going to help you through this."

Of course, my nightmare came true. My dog had chewed up the garbage bag that I threw the pregnancy test in. I came home to an angry mom holding the test. I try not to remember the conversation. It was really painful. She was disgusted with me. My mom said nasty things to me, she called me a "whore", "slut", even a "pervert". She asked what I planned to do. I told her about how I was planning on getting an abortion. Her response? "Good, 'cause if you keep it it'll ruin your life." It wasn't a response I expected from a mother and it really upset me.

The next 2 weeks were awful. My mom would not talk to me, look at me, or even be in the same room as me. I felt as if I had some deadly contagious disease and she was trying to stay away from me. At this point, I hated her. I couldn't understand how a mother can be so cruel to her daughter who needed her help and support the most. My father was disappointed but he tried to act like nothing was wrong.

Then I thought, well my parents know, maybe I should keep the baby. The worst has already happened. I called Bruce and told him about how my parents found out and how I was thinking about keeping it. He panicked. "You can't keep it! I'm not gonna help ok? If you keep it, I will seriously hate you forever Monica. You don't have a good job, you're not gonna have money to raise this thing! I'm not gonna baby-sit, I have a daughter already. She's my only daughter and my world is around her ONLY." I heard a little boy's voice in the background say, "I think you should keep it!" "Who was that?" I asked. "My nephew, he thinks you should keep it." Bruce said. "I'm on speaker phone?!?!?!?!" I flipped for a good 5 minutes.

After lots of crying, I decided that maybe the abortion would be the best decision. I was so upset, I just imagined having a little baby boy bringing so much joy to my life. I wouldn't need to worry about getting a boyfriend or going out or any of that. I would have always have someone to love and they would love me. That's all I needed.

Finally, THE day came. My best friend picked me up from my house and we drove to Bruce's. I knew something was wrong when Bruce got in the car. He didn't say hi or anything. He was glued to his phone texting. I just shrugged it off, I figured he was probably upset about the abortion like I was. We got to the abortion clinic. My friend dropped us off and went to class to take a test, she would be back in about 2 hours. 10 minutes after she left Bruce looked at me and said, "I left my money at home." "Are you serious???" I was pissed. "Yeah, tell your friend to get over here and drive me back to my house." "That's gonna take forever!!! Whatever, when we drop you off, give me the money." I was so aggravated, I had bad morning sickness and was thirsty and starving. I looked at the protestors in front of the clinic. They were holding signs up saying "Abortion is murder!" I felt horrible. I then stared at the one old lady, I recognized her from the year before when I drove my friend to get her abortion. I never thought I would be back at this place.

I did the walk of shame and quickly went inside the clinic. I paid for the abortion myself. After the urine test and blood test, I soon had my ultrasound. I got upset, usually when women get ultrasounds they're excited. I leaned over and looked at the screen. There was a little blob. Soon after, I had my "consultation" with the counselor. It was really just signing a million forms. There was no question like "You sure you wanna do this?" Just, "Ok sign this paper, this paper, this one too and I need to sign here and here and here..." Then the woman said, "You're early."

Then it was time to get it. Since I was the first patient of the day, there was hardly any waiting for me. I got dressed into the paper smock and was lead into the room. I laid on the operation table. I never been so scared in my life, especially when the nurse strapped my legs with those Medieval looking belts. I just stared at the bright light on the ceiling, it reminded me of sitting in a dentist's chair. I felt the nurse stick these circle stickies all over me. She put the IV in me and I heard the heart monitor beeping. The doctor walked in "Hello there! You must be Monica!" He told me his name, but I don't remember. He then put a liquid into my IV, "This is gonna knock you right out, okay?" I just laid there helpless, hoping that nothing would go wrong. Then I start feeling whoozy. "How you feeling?" Someone asked. "I feel drunk." I replied. "What?" "I feel drunk." I then felt something cold be inserted in my vagina. It hurt.

I opened my eyes and was lying on my belly. My first thought was, "I'm on my belly? Where am I? It's all over. I'm not pregnant anymore." I laid there for...I don't know how long. I then heard a bed roll next to me. I saw a girl about my age. She was still under the anesthesia and was talking, "Can I scratch my nose?" Then I heard a couple more beds roll in.

I put my clothes back on and was told to wait in this small room where I had waited previously just before the abortion. I sat down. "Did you get it done?" I looked up and saw a woman, about in her late 20s. I nodded. "Did it hurt?" She asked. "No, they put you to sleep." I said. "Oh ok, I'm really scared." A couple minutes later the nurse called her in. I waited in that waiting room for about 2 hours, starving to death. There was a TV, Whoopi Goldberg was bitching about something on the View. I heard she had several abortions, even one she gave herself. More and more women came in, some who had gotten the surgery done and ones who were waiting to be called in. I looked around and noticed that they were all different types of women. One was about my age and had 3 kids already. Another was in her 40s, her kids all grown. Another was my age, and said she needed to finish school. There was one girl I wondered about. She was busy texting on her phone, sobbing. I felt bad and wanted to give her a hug. Then I threw up.

After what seemed like an eternity, I was told I could leave. I walked outside and saw my friend and she immediately gave me a big hug. I looked around for Bruce. I saw him in the car, sitting in the front passenger seat listening to his ipod. We got in the car, Bruce didn't say a single word. Not even a "You ok? How'd it go?" We got to his house to drop him off. He got out the car. "Bruce, go in real quick and we'll go to an ATM and get the money." I said. "I can't,” He said, "My daughter's coming over she'll be over in a few minutes. I'll talk to you later."

I finally got home and immediately plopped onto my bed. My phone buzzed, I got a text from Bruce. "You're really stupid you know that? You actually thought I was gonna pay you the money?" I was immediately in tears, "What are you talking about? You PROMISED YOU'RE PAYING ME BACK!" "I don't have to do anything! You're so stupid the only reason I was nice to you was to make sure you got that abortion. And now that you're not pregnant with my child, you're not my problem! Bye!" I was enraged, "you're paying me back whether you like it or not, you fucking promised and you're gonna do it!" "Don't you dare come to my house uninvited, remember, that red bandana I wear in my pocket has a real significant meaning and coming over here can be hazardous to your health." "I don't give a shit!!!! You're paying me back I don’t care what the fuck you wear in your pocket!" "Text me again, and I'll report you to the police for harassment." "Start calling them now! I'm not gonna stop texting you."

I never cried so hard in my life. I couldn't even breathe. I was so disappointed in myself. How could I be so stupid? How could I believe that he would pay me back? I hated myself for being so gullible. I should have waited until I got the money from him first. Why did I trust him?

I hated Bruce. I wanted the worse thing to happen to him. I wanted him to get shot and never be able to move again. I wondered, how many girls has he done this to? How many has he screwed over and tricked? How could someone be so heartless and cruel?

A few hours later my mom came home. She walked in my room and sat on the bed, "I'm sorry you had to go through this. See what the consequences are? I'm going to have to bring you to the gyno and you'll have to get tested for every STD. Who knows what you have." I didn't say anything. She was finally talking to me, I wasn't diseased anymore. "You know,” She said, "You're really lucky you live in this. In Costa Rica abortion is illegal. You're lucky you were able to get this done." She walked away.

Yeah, real lucky.

Before this all happened I always told myself that I would get an abortion if I got pregnant. It's nowhere near as easy as it sounds. For the next couple weeks I would have to deal with bleeding and almost passing out several times. It was the most difficult decision I had to make in my life. The pain is incurable. I worry if I'll have trouble getting pregnant again. I feel angry and jealous when I see a pregnant woman, I feel as if she's trying to "show off". I get upset when I see a teen mother. I despise my mother for not supporting me like all those "goody goody" mothers do on those TV shows. Any decision making, as simple as deciding what to have for dinner, triggers a meltdown. As much as I am hurting, I'm glad that I did have a choice, even though I felt like I did not.

This story made me sad.  Sad that this young woman was given no other option, but to abort her baby. Sad that she had been used by a useless POS boyfriend, who wanted nothing more than to have sex with her.  Sad that her mother wasn’t willing to ask her what she wanted to do, but instead pushed her toward aborting her baby.  Sad that the family unit that once protected all their members, even the unborn ones, has been broken, and may never be repaired.

And it didn’t get by me the type of “counseling” she had at Planned Parenthood either.  Though the first counselor told her she should tell her parents, the second one didn’t seem to counsel her at all.

I had my "consultation" with the counselor. It was really just signing a million forms. There was no question like "You sure you wanna do this?" Just, "Ok sign this paper, this paper, this one too and I need to sign here and here and here..."

I suppose when you’ve herded enough young women through the process of getting an abortion, they all look the same. Never mind that they are individual women, with their own story to tell.  These clinic workers seem to have become complacent to abortion, and the effect it has on women, not to mention their babies, who are not allowed to take their first breath.  It’s clear to me that this young post-abortive woman, resents not having been given the choice, to give her baby life.